Being a woman, living in a society that is essentially a model of values that have been established by men, much of my growing up years were marked by frustration at finding myself different than the model of success- as depicted by society- and being frustrated that my qualities were undervalued by the world around me.
Why does crying, after all, define weakness?
Since when does feeling emotions deeply make a person less capable of strength, or of leadership?
And, who says that the president needs to wear a suit- or a pantsuit- to fit the acceptable model of leadership? Does wearing a flowy dress somehow mean a person is unable to negotiate a peace deal successfully, or successfully consult about international trade sanctions?
According to who?
I can still remember my middle school class debating how, if one day this nation had a female president, would she truly have the guts to detonate an atomic bomb, if necessary?
This ridiculous topic was what we were being asked to reflect on by our teacher.
I remember thinking angrily, “You idiots- you need a negotiator as president, not a hothead dumb enough to get the country to the place where he needs to detonate a bomb. If you are such a poor statesman that you have to take the country to war as your only option, you aren’t qualified to be president to begin with!”
But back then I didn’t know how to articulate this objection clearly. I only remember feeling sad and misunderstood that no one else seemed to see the absurdity of the line of reasoning, and feeling alone and isolated in my confusion.
Who made these rules in society that put me at a disadvantage, by default? I was angry about it without knowing how to express myself. .
It was only later as an adult, when I began to hear the private stories of my male clients, behind the closed doors of the therapy session- stories so personal that they didn't even tell their best friend, or their wife, but were willing to bare their soul to me, their therapist- that I realized that it’s not only women who are hurt by this limited model, but also men.
I watched a video online yesterday which I found fascinating. It was a male psychotherapist talking about how decades of working with mostly men in his practice had taught him that most of what he believed about men was, in fact, untrue.
In essence, he saw the same pattern over and over again. So many of the men who he worked with over the years were, not in fact, at ease, well assured, and self confident as they came off, rather plagued with deep-seated fears of vulnerability, shame at not being enough, and near-paranoia of potential failure and one day being exposed for the lie they felt they were living.
A lie that said, in effect: to be successful you must be a good provider, you must not show fear, you must not show vulnerability, and you must have it all figured out.
Because when you think about that, that’s a pretty oppressive degree of expectation to place on the shoulders of any one human being.
Because, who among us, has it all figured out?
Step right up, if so. I’d love to take a page out of your book.
