Whose pain matters more?
To be honest, I can't follow the Cornell case because it's too disturbing. The bits and pieces I’ve read about are echoed in the narratives of the many female sexual assault patients I've worked with in my career, whose stories I've listened to and whose pain I've sat with. The details are nauseatingly familiar to anyone unfortunate enough to be familiar with the narrative.
Lives upended. Women who describe living, post assault, as a mere shells of their former beings. Women who say they can never again enjoy the touch of a man close to them without first having a shudder of remembrance from a different type of touch.
It’s made me reflect on the cultural norms that protect the feelings, sensibilities and concerns of those in positions of power, while minimizing those of people in marginalized groups.
Because really, what is rape culture but a statement by society as a whole that says, in effect, that the feelings, futures, and reputations of men and boys are more important than the trauma, pain, and suffering of women and girls?
What is white fragility except a societal statement that the discomfort of white people at having to be held accountable for their own racism is more concerning to us than the suffering of black or brown people who actually have to live with the widespread negative effect of racism on the many aspects of their lives?
Can men be falsely accused of rape? Of course. No one's saying that doesn't happen. I am certainly sorry for the man who has been exposed to false accusations. I'm sure that is terribly traumatic. Certainly I wouldn't wish it on any human being.
But is that what we see, as a general theme, playing out, again and again, in society?
No. It's definitely the exception .
The overarching norm is that already traumatized women who come forward are further shamed, scrutinized, and emotionally excoriated - even by those who are supposed to assist and protect them (police, authorities, judges), while the men are handed excuse after excuse for why what they did was just bad judgment, or a simply a misunderstanding of what the victim actually wanted- their lawyers even arguing things as absurd as the idea that their rapist clients mistakenly believed the unconscious victim was having an orgasm and enjoying the act she had never consented to.
Make. it. Stop.
Please.
As a society, can we please stop pretending that it's the sole responsibility of women to protect themselves against male sexual aggression and begin to raise our sons in a way that says, “Never again. Not on my watch”.
