Why are they so fragile?
I had this conversation with a female friend yesterday.
We were chuckling about the contradiction at seeing how men often feel they need to appear very macho publicly, and yet, how confused we end up feeling when it is revealed that their egos are, in fact, quite easily bruised.
We had a laugh about it, but also expressed sympathy at how hard it must be for them to live with this contradiction, within themselves.
Because, you’ve got the expectation of needing to appear strong, against all odds, yet, at the same time, you're just a human being, after all.
And yet, the natural world is full of examples that give us a roadmap for these realities, when examined with a searching eye.
Because when one examines fragility, what is it, really, but lack of resistance?
And how does one build resistance to anything?
By exercising a countervailing force.
Think of a muscle in the human body that has atrophied. Go try to run a mile after being bedridden for a few weeks and you’ll immediately see that it’s become a lot harder than it was when your muscles were accustomed to the daily resistance of walking.
So, it sounds odd to say so, but in some ways, it’s my opinion that it’s actually harder for men to be strong than for women.
Because when you’ve been handed the winning set of variables, you don’t have as much resistance to fight against on a day to day basis. Therefore, your emotional strength training, on a daily basis, is also less.
I will be the first to admit that I think women of color are oftentimes stronger of character than white women. And, I’ll clarify that I’m not referring to cultural differences in the ways we interact, rather the strength of character one has to develop on a daily basis, when they are faced with hardship.
Because emotional resistance does something to you. Something that is, at once, unfair, but also potentially beneficial for the spirit.
Religion tells us as much.
I know some Christians understand the biblical verse “spare the rod and spoil the child” to refer to physical discipline, but I interpret “rod” as that of the shepherd, who used his rod to gently steer a wayward sheep, who needed redirection.
The Baha’i Teachings similarly describe needing to “accustom children to hardship” for their spiritual development.
Not unkindly, or abusively, or by neglecting or depriving them, rather by insisting that they do things that are difficult and challenge them. Because that is also the secret to character development and the harnessing of spiritual attributes.
Any coach who has shaped a good athlete will explain that he or she didn't get their protégé that way by pairing them with easy opponents, or letting them off easy at training, rather by repeatedly forcing them to face their fears and overcome insecurities- gaining confidence, skill and awareness as they did so.
As well as the humility of knowing they won't always be the best competitor on the field on a given day, never allowing them to get too cocky in their abilities.
I remember hearing the story of how Michael Phelps’ Olympic coach once intentionally sabotaged him by damaging his goggles to make them leak water unexpectedly at a crucial competition. He later said he was worried that the swimmer was getting too laissez faire in counting his backstrokes before his flip turn, a crucial mistake that could ruin any swimmer relying too heavily on his or her sight the day he no longer had a clear visual field to guide him in his approach to the wall.
Anyways, whenever my life feels overwhelming, or unfair, or simply too much on any given day, I try to reframe, from a position of gratitude:
"Yes, in some ways this really stinks, but what am I being empowered to learn or become in this period of difficulty?"
Then I think of God as a loving coach, asking me to develop my character in that moment. And it doesn’t feel so bad.
Because, I bet Michael Phelps first cursed his coach when he realized he had been sabotaged, but, somehow, I suspect he defended his choice once he stood on the podium with all those gold medals.
